Tough Choices

My sister asked me the other day “if I’m really sure I am happy with my decision?” This made me reflect back to another decision I made 17 and a half years ago. We make decisions everyday, from ones we don’t even notice, to potentially life changing ones. Sometimes they require major thought, sometimes a whole pros and cons list, and other times it is pure intuition.

Seventeen and a half years ago I was in my childhood bedroom with one of my very best friends, we lay on the bed chatting about my wedding day, which was the very next day. I am not sure why I wasn’t nervous, but I wasn’t at all. Although saying “I do” and committing my life to one man was a huge deal I was completely at peace. So when my friend asked if I was sure, I recall saying to her that I wake up everyday and know I am in love with him, and to me life is full of daily choices, feelings, and trusting our intuition, the next day felt no different to me. I knew of course it was a significant day, but in many ways it was also just any other day, a day I would wake up and be in love with him.

We can only be sure about any decision in a given moment, none of us truly know what the future holds. I have gone against my intuition before, I have put my head in the sand (so to speak), I have ignored my gut, in fact I have ignored major warning signs and been left broken and beaten because of that. I can honestly say my ‘gut‘ has never let me down, what has let me down is failing to listen to my gut. Whether you refer to it as a gut feeling, intuition, listening to your guide, or your God, I believe we know deep down what feels right and when we go against that find ourselves in turmoil and pain.

I have learned to listen to myself more and more over the past couple of years, and I have found that when I am too busy, or trying to rush things, or run away from pain, that I am not listening to my true self. I have tried to push down my intuition because I wanted to run away from reality, I wanted to stop the pain. I convinced myself at the time that I was listening to myself, but then I actually slowed down, meditated, and listened closely to what my guides were telling me, well more accurately, what they were screaming at me! I was not in a good place mentally, or emotionally. I was trying so hard to un away from myself that I couldn’t see clearly.

Sometimes we have to stop, breathe, and allow ourselves to feel in order to see through the fog, through the stories we are telling ourselves, or that others are telling us. We have to allow ourselves to sit with what is uncomfortable, allow ourselves to see the truth no matter how much it hurts. We need to be still, pray, meditate, ground ourselves, perhaps seek counselling, and most importantly listen to what our intuition is telling us. We need to do the hard work! It is not pretty, or glamorous, it can be messy and painful, but it is so rewarding! It is so worth it, and you are worth it!

A year on I have found myself in a very different frame of mind, stronger, healthier. Far from perfection (whatever that is meant to be), but I have worked so hard to be where I am today and it feels so amazing.

Just over a year ago I wanted to run away, the problem is you can’t run from what is inside you. Now I no longer feel the need to run, the need to isolate myself, I feel ready to move forward with life and it is such a different feeling when you are walking towards something positive rather than walking away from something negative within yourself.

A couple of months ago hubby and I made the tough decision to begin a new journey for our family, we have decided to move to a completely new area. We have been met with some very difficult questions from people who care about us because they want us to be sure about our decision and our intentions behind our decision. I love them all for asking us the tough stuff! They have helped us look at our choice from many perspectives and trust me Steve and I have talked and agonised over our decision.

Making the choice to take our children out of their school, the only school they have all ever known and move away from their friends has been the hardest choice. We have gone back and forth over ‘will we damage them‘, to ‘will this help them become more resilient people’? When you are making a decision for three children of different ages and different personalities there are never going to be clear cut answers. We can worry about negatives and we can hope for positives! We are also moving away from our support group, and does that scare me? Of course! Many things about this choice scare me, but when my sister asked me, “if I’m really sure I am happy with my decision?” My answer is YES! This choice feels right, deep down in the very core this decision feels right. There are no certainties in life, but this isn’t a snap decision, nor is it one made without soul searching, deep discussions, sleepless nights, research, and even the good old pros and cons list.

We are not going to another country, or even another state, yes we won’t have those we love close by, but they will also not be too far away. This is a choice about what we truly want from our lives and that is to slow down, to take finical pressures off, to have more freedom, more time together for the five of us. This is about more outdoor time, and new adventures, this is about releasing ourselves from the hamster wheel. We don’t have rose coloured glasses on, we know there are going to be challenges, but every time we search deep inside we come back to the same answer that this is the right decision.

I will fill you in on more over some coming blog posts, there has been tears, excitement, stress, silent treatment from my teen, long talks, loads of compassion and listening to one another and ourselves, but still this feels right. We are currently in the stressful phase of selling our home and trying to keep it picture perfect with three children, two adults, three cats, a bunny, and even some newborn puppies, it’s all pretty full on. I will try to update the blog, but stay tuned on my instagram where I will regularly update you on what is going on.

Any advice? Love to hear your thoughts, advice, or comments so please feel free to use the comments section.

Thanks for reading, love Kylie xx