“I imagine a feisty little girl — with eyes like her two brothers. She’d have loved welcoming the new babies into the family and would have been an amazing big sister. Although neither of them made it, I think of them both often.” Caro
A little over a month ago I shared with you the story of my miscarriages. It was one of the hardest posts I have ever written, not only because it was a painful time in my life to recall, but because I had never publicly shared the names of my precious, beautiful babies that I never got to hold. I decided to write that post because I know how many of us have been through this experience, I know how many women and men are going through the pain of losing a baby right now. I wanted to reach out to all of you and let you know that you are not alone. Grief is a very personal experience and something that no one can truly say they understand. But I hoped with sharing my story that you feel you that you always have someone you can reach out to, and that it is OK to acknowledge your pain and grief, you are never alone.
I shared,
“I was a mum, yet I had no baby, no child to raise. Nothing to show that this baby ever existed except the pain in mine and my husbands heart and a tiny little toy puppy that Jo-Jo would never get to cuddle up with. I would never hold her, I would never get to live the moments I had imagined since I saw the positive pregnancy test. We moved into our new home two days after I lost our baby. It was the home we brought when we were pregnant. A perfect little home with a picket fence and a rose garden. What should have been our dream home, felt cold and empty. I felt empty.”
The pain and feelings of injustice can be all consuming, no one should lose a baby or a child, there is no saying ‘it was meant to be’, it doesn’t help the feeling of devastation, it doesn’t make it easier to cope. In that moment when your whole world has been torn apart and it feels like someone has ripped out your soul nothing can make you feel like it was ‘meant to be’. I went through stages of denial I imagined the doctors had it all wrong and the baby was still growing inside of me, I went through anger, why could the doctors do something? I went through self hate, why did my body fail me? What did I do wrong that I deserve this? I went through moments of not wanting to leave the house, I begged, I cried, I prayed, and then I went through moments of what I would call determination. I was going to have a healthy baby, it was my mission and I would never give up!
Over time I learned to accept what had happened. I learned to accept it wasn’t something I did wrong and that I wasn’t being punished. I began to see my babies as precious gifts, I began to feel blessed and honoured that I was their mum, I would always be their mum even if I couldn’t hold them. I was happy that I got to love them and even if they only grew inside me for a few months I was so glad that they would always be in my heart. I am a mum to 6 children, only 3 of them I never got to hold, to raise, to play with, to teach to read, or tuck them in at night, but I am still their mum always and forever.
In my post “Should we name the babies we will never hold?” I shared the names of my unborn babies, and I gave my readers the opportunity to share with me their unborn or stillborn babies names and I promised I would put together this tribute post and share their babies names. I also spoke about this on my confessions Vlog. I was overwhelmed with the beautiful comments I received, and the emails. I was saddened by some of the stories shared and I feel honoured that you are entrusting me with stories and your babies names. Below I have written a list of names that were shared with me and for those who shared their story but did not have a name or wanted to keep their name private I will refer to your baby as snowflake.
To the babies in our hearts,
we want you to know you are and never will be forgotten, that you are very much alive in our hearts, our time together was way to short, but it was enough for us to fall in love with you. It was enough time for us to imagine a life with you, to think of all the things we would do together and the things we wanted to show you and teach you about the world. We imagined reading you books, and collecting leaves, singing songs, dancing silly around the lounge room, we imagined holding you for the first time, what it would feel like to see you open your eyes, and wrap your little hand around our finger. We imagined soothing you when you would cry and we brought you outfits and we marvelled over how tiny they were. We planned a nursery, wondered what colour to paint the walls and we spoke to you and told you we loved you. We do love you, that is the one thing that no one can ever take away, you are our baby, and you will never be forgotten. You will be forever cherished, and we will always feel honoured that you chose us to be your parents even if you could only stay such a short time,
forever your loving parents.
Jo-Jo
Isobel
Noah
Joseph
Samantha
Snowflake
Snowflake
Snowflake
snowflake
Snowflake
Snowflake
Emily
Snowflake
Snowflake
Joseph
Nathan
Lincoln
Snowflake
Snowflake
Snowflake
Snowflake
Snowflake
Snowflake
Snowflake
Snowflake
Snowflake
Chance
Emma
Rose
Snowflake
Ruby
Snowflake
Snowflake
Zara
Ethan
Marcus
Snowflake
Snowflake
Jon
Snowflake
Christos
Anastasia
Snowflake
Snowflake
Snowflake
Angelo
Snowflake
Sarah
Jack
Snowflake
always in our hearts
I want to share with you some of the lovely messages I received.
“When my wife was pregnant we were adamant that we wouldn’t refer to the boys as the boys but make it clear that they were their own individuals. Now I very rarely name them in full because to do so hurts so very much. love our still born sons Nathan and Lincoln and their rainbow siblings have elements of their names in their own as a semi conscious tribute and way to keep their memory alive.” ShoeboxofM
“I have four beautiful children, two here on Earth and two waiting for me in Heaven. Maybe my Joseph and Samantha are playing with your Jo-Jo, Isobel, and Noah. I, too, look forward to the time that I get to see my Heavenly children again.” Jackie
“I was in tears when I read the part where you told April about Jo-Jo, Isobel and Noah and she said she wanted to put up their ornaments. What a sweet little girl you have. I’m so sorry for your losses. I hope you are right that you will get to hold them all one day.” Kyles
“Miscarriage and stillbirth is something that is hugely close to my heart. We lost 15 babies along the way and tragically my second son was stillborn at full term. I have been very lucky to have four healthy children but those lost babies, Joseph inparticular, are a HUGE part of our family and it is so important that we break down the taboos and say their names. Much love. xxx” Laura
“I have my Emily, the daughter I will never hold. I guess the holidays remind us even more how much we miss these angels. The heartbreak doesn’t really fully go away does it? But we continue to hope that soon we will find complete comfort and only smile at how much they have touched our lives albeit briefly. Thank you for this post.” Joy.
“Thank you for sharing your story. People like myself need to understand how it feels to lose a baby so we are better able to support friends and loved ones if they go through it.” Tracey
“I’ve had two miscarriages – I named the first baby but not the second because I didn’t dare…”
“This is such a lovely post and wonderful of you to have opened up your inbox and comments section for other people’s stories of the babies they’ll never hold. Lots of people want to talk about their lost ones but need a place where they feel welcomed to do so.” Robyn
“Of course those babies live in my heart and I remember them everyday. I wonder whether they were boys or girls. I wonder if they would be like my daughter. If they would have her independence and wonderful character and angelic beauty. I will always wonder and I will always miss them.” Mrs H.
“I had a name in mind for the baby I lost so think of it by that name” Min
“Loosing Anastasia almost tore my marriage apart, it has been a long journey back to one another and now we have our beautiful Sophia her, middle name is Anastasia.” B
“they will always be with us”. Kirsty
There were many more messages and touching emails, and I want to thank you all for opening up your hearts to me. For all of you that didn’t feel comfortable sharing I wish you love and peace.
I hope this tribute helps in some little way to bring peace to those who have lost a baby or a child and know that your babies and children are never forgotten.
If anyone would like to add a name to this list, please get in touch via my website, twitter @macglanville or email me personally at Mac@reflectionsfromme.com
Thanks for joining me, love Mackenzie xx
Snowflakes fascinate me, like so many before me I wonder how something so delicate as lace spun by the breeze, can form and yet fade so quickly. I long to touch a single flake, a tiny piece of heavens lace, perfectly formed and from the skies, like a drop of purity, like a diamond in the light. Nothing is purer than the freshness of snow, like a gift from above, to us down below. If I could hold you I would, and wrap you with care, but if I close my palm around you, when I open it would you still be there?
There is one thing I know as pure as snow, a newly formed baby, which inside me would grow, I longed to hold her, to wrap her with care, to sing to her softly, to stroke her sweet hair. To touch her soft skin, to whisper the words, of how I would love her like heaven loves earth. A gift of purity from the heavens above, oh how I love her, I am consumed with that love. Like you she faded when she touched my palm, I couldn’t hold on, no matter how hard I tried, she was ripped from my body, and with her my soul died.
Made of the breath of heaven, you dance around the trees, a drop of innocence, floating in the breeze. In the light you shine, like a gem or pure gold, you are priceless, perfect and truly divine. You are are hope, faith, you are a promise of new life, you are precious, and perfect, you are all that is right. Like a moment of poetry floating in air, you were all I ever wished for, a snowflake held in my palm, you were my everything I wished for and I was your mum.
So dance my sweet snowflake, and sing in the breeze, you are a divine expression of all that is pure, let heavens light shine on all that you are, and know that I am loving you from afar. Dance and be free, feel no grief where you are, for you are my snowflake, a free falling star.
Mackenzie Glanville
My husband brought me this snowfall pendant to wear in honour of the 3 babies that live in our hearts. If anyone is interested in getting one it is by Pandora,
I know other jewellers sell snowflakes too.
20 comments
It’s so sad Mackenzie, brings a tear to my eye reading through all the names. You got a lovely response from your post & so many special comments & support. This is an amazing community. The pandora charm is gorgeous & what a lovely reminder. x
Thank you so much for your support Becky xx
A very moving post, Mackenzie. Thanks to you and everyone else for sharing. It will be a comfort to so many people and makes me feel very lucky never to have experienced that sort of pain.
Thank you Toni, it means a lot that you took the time to leave such thoughtful comment. I truly hope it does bring some comfort xx
Such a sad and touching post that just made me have a little cry. You have done a lovely and amazing thing by sharing your stories that has enabled other people to share their stories too in which everyone has been able to find some comfort. You have created a caring and supportive community that will continue to help others. The pandora charm is a beautiful tribute. Thanks for sharing, big hugs 🙂 #sundaystars
Thank you so much for such a thoughtful comment that meant so much to me xx
Lovely post which I am sure will be of so much comfort to so many others reading this. Thanks for sharing on #SundayStars
How heartbreaking to think of all our little snowflakes and the imagined moments that were snatched away before they occurred. Interesting to read the different stages of acceptance that you went through, as I experienced the same. Especially denial, there was always a part of me that hoped it wasn’t true until I couldn’t deny it any longer. I hope that seeing the names published here will bring some peace to the parents of the named babies.
Such a beatiful post. And you are amazing for giving people the chance to share their stories and their babies names. I have never had this heartbreak myself, but I know friends who have and they all say there is always the feeling that they shouldnt talk about their lost babies. #Fartglitter
What a touching piece. I feel so lucky to have my twins and feel such empathy for anyone having to cope with the loss of a child. I hope anyone affected by this finds peace and comfort through communities like these.
#fartglitter
Hi, I know how hard this must have been to write – its so difficult to talk about it yourself, let alone face the awkwardness that comes from other people uncomfortable with it. It’s now 5 years after our son Jack was stillborn, and its still hard. This year he would have started kindergarten, and that’s a sad thing to think about. Congratulations on your bravery, and thanks for the lovely images of snowflakes. I think thats a lovely and thoughtful way to think about these little spirits.
Thank you so much for this lovely comment, so sorry to hear about your beautiful son Jack. It is always those things that we will never share with them that is the hardest. Much love xx
Thank you for doing this. I would say more but I’m a little dazed by the enormity of the list and all the pain, sorrow and frustrated dreams it represents as well as the memories and hopes.
I cannot imagine what you must have gone through and this piece of just beautiful. I’m glad you felt you could write the piece. I feel you never truly understand until you go through it yourself xx #fartglitter
Thank you for this post, and for including Joseph amongst these babies. I am so sorry for everyone who has lost a child. this is such a lovely way of sharing their memories. Much love to you. xxx
Such a long, sad list. This a beautiful post. We also had a little snowflake x
#fartglitter
Awww Mac — this has made me cry :'( Such a beautiful post — so moving. And it’s so sad that so many people are living with the same heartache and loss.What a gorgeous way to remember those we have lost. Sending you a big hug over the tinterweb xxxxxxxxx
Thank you fro your hug and kind words and for opening up to me, big hugs back beautiful lady xx
What a beautiful tribute, Mackenzie. This is so perfect. You truly captured everything that mothers like us have gone through; all the denial, the anger, the sorrow and then the eventual healing we continue to experience. I did imagine a life with Emily just as you had illustrated. The most sadness I feel is when I realize that Noah will never be able to play with his little sister. But like I said, the healing continues and finding people who have gone through a similar experience, just like you and the whole community here, truly helps. THANK YOU!
What a powerful post!
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