stressed out mum

Where did it go? 5 years, gone it a blink of an eye, OK maybe a few blinks. My baby boy is starting school in 1 sleep, OK pause here why I cry a little. . . . It is just hitting me really hard right now, and I want to be that dancing monkey

I do, OK I have to admit watching that again made me smile! Maybe I’ll just spend Monday watching animals dance

that may just snap me out of my funk! Or maybe I’ll just crank up the music and dance myself, that could make a seriously funny, or weird Youtube video, yep let’s go with weird, maybe disturbing even

Please stop dancing weird lady

I agree with the baby, STOP DANCING WOMAN!

Hey I’m not that bad! Am I? My little boy loves dancing with me, when we turn up the music and dance around the living room we have such fun. I guess it is like I am grieving the good ol’ days, the days of having a new baby in my arms, the smell of their skin, the way their little fingers would curl around mine. (I can easily ignore the torturous sleepless nights now they are over), but I loved the baby phase and I miss it. I love watching them grow and say funny things, and getting to know these little people I helped create and continue to shape, what I find hard is letting go. I worry about him standing in the playground with no one to play with, what if he cries and no one notices, what if he is scared and has no one to comfort him? I picture him standing alone unsure and nervous in his big uniform on that little body and it scares the C**P out of me!

I want to scoop him up and say mummy’s here little man, but I can’t, my arms will be empty, he will look around and I want be there! What if he thinks I’ve abandoned him? I have read up on Resilience training, I know I have to make myself redundant as early as possible, promote his independence blah, blah, blah and it’s great in theory, and I know it is the right thing to do, and like it or not I will do it, but it doesn’t stop it being hard!!!!!!! I mean look how little he still is . . .

OK he is not quite that little, but to me he is still my baby boy, and yes he is still that cute!

Come Monday I will put on a brave face, heck I’ve been putting on a brave face all through the holidays, talking about how great it will be, trying on his uniform, saying positive things about his teacher (who I love by the way, so this was the easy part), I love his school, I love the mums I’ve met, and my girls survived their first day, and surprisingly so did I, so I know we will all survive this too, sometimes knowing something and still having mum ‘worry brain’ are different things though aren’t they? I think there is a constant battle between logical brain and emotional brain! Plus I need to take my own advice and throw away that suitcase I carry around full of that thing called mummy guilt!

I guess there are a lot of us going through this at the moment, even if we don’t have or own child, we worry about our niece or grandchild, whether it’s there very first day at school like Adam, or kindergarten, middle school, high school, their last year of school, or a brand new school! I wish you all the luck in the world, we will get through it, and I am looking forward to the super big hugs I will receive at the end of the day from my three little A’s!

Dedicated to Aspen, April and Adam, always know mummy loves you! And to my nephew Max well done on your first day of high school, so proud!

Thanks for joining me, don’t forget to dance, love Mackenzie xx (The mum with the super-sized sunglasses on at school tomorrow)

For more mummy reads try ‘Heaven Is‘, ‘Shaken not stirred‘, ‘got the mummy guilts?’ or ‘dear Santa‘ Rock star! Who Me?’