My girlfriend recently had the chance to go to Oprah’s live show here in Melbourne, needless to say I was totally jealous when she told me. I was also totally mad at myself for having no idea that she was even coming to my hometown! How did I not know this? I have been living in La La Land, or perhaps I was away with the fairies? Or was it not really advertised? I mean how did I miss this opportunity?

I was disappointed that I missed an opportunity to hear Oprah speak. I grew up watching her show and was in awe of her advice and generosity. Her story of strength and determination was and is an inspiration to all of us.

Since her live show there has been talk and articles about the baby that Oprah gave birth to when she was still a child herself, only 14, after being raped. The baby, a tiny precious boy, sadly did not survive. Oprah spoke to the crowd of 15,000 people at her first live event here is Australia and told them the story of her little boy. She told them that she was advised by a reporter only months ago to name her son. For Oprah this was life changing, and I can see why.

Choosing a name for a baby isn’t an easy decision, well not for most of us, even if we have always had a name we’ve loved, when we actually become pregnant we start to question, will it suit the baby? Does it suit a baby and an adult? Will my child be teased with this name? What do the initials spell out? Oh and do I have to really choose something my partner/husband likes? Really, but I’m the one who’ll push this baby out! But it can also be super exciting, I have to be honest choosing my children’s names was one of my favourite things about being pregnant. I loved pouring through baby books, testing the name out by calling out their potential name to see if it sounded good. I would talk to my belly and ask baby if he/she liked the name, and dream about how our baby would look, and the things I would teach and show my beautiful child. A name helped bring my unborn babies to life. It made them more real.

From the moment we first saw the positive lines on our first ever pregnancy test we decided to call our baby Jo, we decided it suited both a boy and a girl, and because we didn’t know what sex our baby was it just seemed perfect. Our baby quickly became more affectionately known as Jo-Jo. I was over the moon with happiness, I would talk to my belly all the time. We shopped for Jo-Jo’s first teddy, a cute little puppy, and we shared the news happily with family and friends. My brother and his wife found out the day before us that they were expecting also. It was perfect, Jo-Jo was perfect.

I will always think of our Jo-Jo as perfect, for whatever reason though my body decided Jo-Jo would not be carried to term and when I started bleeding my world was shattered. That moment changed who I was forever, loosing our baby crushed me like nothing else ever had.

I was a mum, yet I had no baby, no child to raise. Nothing to show that this baby ever existed except the pain in mine and my husbands heart and a tiny little toy puppy that Jo-Jo would never get to cuddle up with. I would never hold her, I would never get to live the moments I had imagined since I saw the positive pregnancy test. We moved into our new home two days after I lost our baby. It was the home we brought when we were pregnant. A perfect little home with a picket fence and a rose garden. What should have been our dream home, felt cold and empty. I felt empty.

When I heard about Oprah naming her little boy Canaan, it made me think of Jo-Jo, not that I needed reminding as I think about her often. I read an article the other day though that spoke about how important it is to name our unborn babies, or stillborn babies. I had already given mine names, but I realised that I hardly ever say them out loud. My middle daughter April asked me last Christmas about the 3 little Angel ordainments that I put up next to my bed each Christmas. I had never told my ‘living’ children about my unborn ones, and I wasn’t sure how to answer her, she was only seven. I decided just to be honest and so I told her about how I had 3 little angels in Heaven. She asked me their names. No one had ever asked me that before, I guess that is the innocence of a child. So I told her.

I told her that the first baby was a girl and her name was Jo-Jo, the second was Isobel, and after loosing Isobel I was blessed to have my next daughter survive, and that is my darling Aspen. When Aspen was 2 I fell pregnant again, I saw my baby’s ultrasound and was so excited that Aspen would be a big sister. Unfortunately this little baby was not to be born, he would become my third angel, his name is Noah. I went on to have another healthy daughter April and then our little boy Adam. April was so fascinated and listened carefully as I explained about our angels. She asked if this Christmas she could put our angels up and also their Christmas balls on our tree, and she never forgot.

Although Oprah’s story did not encourage me to name our unborn babies, it did make me realise how I never speak of their names. I guess it makes me feel like maybe I’m silly, or wrong for mentioning them. I worry that people will judge me, think that I shouldn’t hang on to a memory of a baby that I never even got to hold. But I know I am not alone in grieving for a baby that never took its first breath. These babies still mattered, they are still loved, missed and thought about. I would like to believe that there is a Heaven and one day I will be there with all 6 of my children. Maybe that sounds naive or silly, and to be honest I feel a little embarrassed admitting that I feel that way to all of you. But I always promised myself and all of you that I would be honest and real with you. And honestly there is nothing I would love more than to one day hold all my children.

I wrote a piece for my unborn babies quite a while ago called snow, you can see it here. This Christmas my husband has brought me a pendant with a snowflake on it that I will wear in honour of my snowflakes that only shared their innocence and beauty with us for a brief moment, but forever remain etched upon my heart and in my memories.

I ask you now if you have experienced a miscarriage, have an unborn or stillborn baby that you would like to mention please feel free to do so in my comment section and I will share all their names in a future post honouring them all. Or feel free to email me privately at mac@reflectionsfromme.com, (just pop the word snowflake in the subject line.) Feel free to share your story with me or just a name. If you don’t want to leave a name just simply write snowflake or angel.

Thank you for listening to my story, I hope in someway it helps someone heal and know they are not alone. Mackenzie xx

Click to Tweet:  “let heavens light shine on all that you are, and know that I am loving you from afar”.

Carried-for-a-Moment-Loved-for-a-Lifetime-Print_Megan-Martin

If you know of anyone this article will help, I urge you to share. The more we share, the more we know we are not alone.