We all know there are tricky questions in life. They are usually asked by kids because let’s face it, they have no filter! Then there are the people who actually ask you what you earn, maybe that’s normal for some people, but in Australia that’s a rude question. Then we have the everyday polite questions that anyone and everyone ask’s, like “how are you?” Mostly we just answer ‘good’, I mean the local barista has about 20 coffees to make besides yours and doesn’t actually want to know the in’s and out’s of whether you are ok! Well unless maybe you fancy one another. It is the polite thing to do, it is part of chit chat, we ask it as we pass someone in the hallway, or run into someone we kind of know at the gym, grocery store, or at school drop off.
Usually when we ask it is just out of habit. It is the socially acceptable thing to do, it is polite. Occasionally though someone is really asking ‘How Are You?” They actually want to know! They have called you up to specifically ask, or have organised to get together with you because they are really interested in how you are feeling.
Now please know that I think this is great, this is the right thing to do, friends should ask, and I love them for loving me enough to ask, so please if you are worried about a friend, sibling, child, co-worker, ASK and let them know you really want to be sure that they are ok, that you truly do care! This is just me purely expressing my own issue right now, so know this does not reflect anyone else’s thoughts.
My problem with the question is I don’t know how I am! I am actually finding this the most difficult question to answer right now. My feelings and thoughts, and my up’s and down’s seem to change with the wind, I can wake up ok, and then cry in the shower and feel like a complete wreck. I can sail through the day, and the want to hide in my room from the world and I don’t even know why. I can drive my kids to activities, and even get a coffee with a friend and then the next day I am so afraid to leave the house, and scared of running into someone because they might ask me ‘how I am‘. I can’t seem to commit to any plans because I am not sure on the day I will be OK to cope, yet I am scared to say no to people because I don’t want them to take it personally. One day I can be out and about and finally feeling like I am getting on top of my mental illness and the next day I can not answer the phone.
I love that I have people who care about me, I am truly so blessed, but I am afraid of letting them, (and myself) down, or God forbid offending them! I just can not seem to predict how I will cope each day, or what each morning will bring, and when people ask me ‘how I am‘, I just don’t know what to say! I feel so confused by my feelings and behaviours, and this anxiety, and I am such a mixture of things right now. I am OK, but I am also not OK at all, I am strong, a fighter, but I am also falling apart and putting myself back together each day. I am a mess, I want to cry, I want to hide, but I keep fighting and showing up as much as I can. I am a work in progress and in many ways I guess that can be said for all of us.
I don’t want to sound selfish, I know, truly I do, how lucky I am that I have people who ask me, I just wish I knew how to answer. I mostly still politely say ‘I’m good“, truth is I am not good, but I am working on it. So until I get there please understand if I don’t pick up the phone, or if I can’t commit to going somewhere. If you know someone suffering anxiety, please keep checking in on them, trust me, we need that, we appreciate it more than you know, but we are also a little afraid right now, and a little fragile. Don’t give up on us though.
Thank you for listening, and reading this today, and also for the lovely messages, support and encouragement you have shown me recently, every message and comment is read and does not go unnoticed. I truly appreciate you all! Love, Mac xx
If you are struggling with your emotions, behaviour, mental health, or feeling like you are not coping please seek professional advice, and find at least one person you can trust to talk honestly and openly with. If you are a friend, or carer of someone who is struggling remember to look after yourself also, there are many great websites like beyond blue that can offer advice.
21 comments
Sooooo totally understand!!! I organised coffee with a friend a few weeks back as I really needed to talk. She asked ‘so how are you?’ Everything I was going through ran through my head, then I smiled and said ‘Great’
Hugs, Mac. I know how hard it can be to answer this question at times. I’ve been tempted to send you a PM and ask, but felt I was intruding. Just know that you are thought of with love and respect.
Thank you dear beautiful lady, you are always in my thoughts xx
I can identify so much with this at the moment. I know that I have been avoiding some friends lately and have dipped out of social engagements. I know that I have a habit of cutting people out when my mental health is starting to take an anxious dip.
I suppose how I answer depends on who I’m talking to. I have a stock response to the question. ‘Great thanks’ that I put together after my last boss gave a huge speech about the need for positivity in the workplace. I think most people just use, “How are you?” as a conversation opener so I switch it back with, ok thanks and you??? Then open the gin 😉 #thesatsesh
Very brave to speak out, thank you for your honesty xx
Communicationing is so hard and I can totally relate to your post X #thesatsesh
Can relate to this – I struggle to say anything other than ‘I’m good thanks’ or ‘I’m not bad’ but in reality I don’t know or I don’t want to bore anyone! Well done for writing #thesatsesh
I usually answer with “fine”. Which is to say, not fine but I don’t have the energy to explain and deal with your discomfort.
I know that out of politeness I tend to answer ‘fine’ when I am anything but! It’s such a hard question, because I know that I never really ask this question without expecting an honest answer, but I always think I am born g others if I tell them how I really feel. #ABloggingGoodTime
I think far more people relate to this than you might think Mackenzie. It can be tough out there. Luckily there are good people here too. Good luck to you #ABloggingGoodTime
been there. Felt that. Sometimes still feel that. Its a normal abnormality . Just think how many of the people who ask you, don’t know you’re struggling with the answer… they’re probably hiding their struggle too. You are normally abnormal like the rest of us <3 !… and they won't be offended to be told 'no thanks, but please ask again next time' #thesatsesh
My husband asks me about 50 times a day and it drives me insane. I always reply ‘I’m good.’ but on the odd occasion when I tell him the truth he doesn’t know what to do next. It’s definitely one of the hardest questions to answer, but if the asker is truly concerned then yes, opening up can be so good.
#blogginggoodtime
I recently read a book by a man who was losing his wife to dementia. He also shared that the “How are you?” question was just impossible, and his reasoning (and yours, now) has changed my behavior. I try to be more specific with questions, or just leave silence for people to either talk–or not!
Very brave of you to write this. Honesty is the best thing. People sometimes don’t even wait for you to answer that question. They expect “fine” and wouldn’t know what to say if the answer was otherwise.
#ABloggingGoodTime
The older I get, the more I really care about how I use ‘how are you?’. I make sure I ask it for genuine reasons because you have no idea what someone is going through. And I always wait for an answer too. #ABloggingGoodTime
I think I have been guilty of asking someone “How are you?” and then not really waiting for an answer. It becomes just the same as saying “Hello.” I think I need to slow down and be a better listener. Thanks for the poignant reminder!
I think it’s hard to open up sometimes, I used to be a therapist and even in a setting where people have come specifically to do just that it is still a big thing to do. You’re not alone!
Oh Mac – I just want to repeat how sorry I am that the anxiety is hitting so hard at the moment. I really struggle answering this question too – I want to be authentic but also don’t want to be ‘woe is me’ all the time so often go for the smile and ‘I’m good’ too. I love your point about us all being work in progress. So true. Sending you lots of love. Hayley xx #thesatsesh
I have a few friends who when they ask I am honest. But most of the time it is just asking in passing! #ablogginggoodtime
Mac I really feel for you right now and genuinely understand how you are feeling. I went through a period of terrible anxiety several years ago and actually once I had identified that that was what I was suffering from I found the easiest way of handling it was to admit it to others and say exactly how I was feeling rather than attempt to cover it up or gloss over it. We live in a world where weakness is sometimes frowned upon and particularly by those closest to us because up close and personal we look fine and sometimes it is hard to admit or explain that sensation of falling apart that is making your mind and body crumble. I am sure you are inundated with advice and best practice but for what it is worth what worked for me was taking back control and that was through a process of CBT, exercise, nutrition and learning to say “actually no I am not ok” or “sorry its a bad day today” . It goes back to your earlier post you need to put yourself, your needs, your feelings first and don’t apologise for it. It can be a long process but small steps can have a big impact. Sending you lots of love and support. #ablogginggoodtime
Such a tough question and I find it even tougher to answer with anything other than I’m fine
#ablogginggoodtime
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