My daughter wants a phone, her own phone! Why? And I am not asking why does she want one, I know the answer to that. I am asking why does it have to be this way?
Why is it they have to grow up so quickly?
OK so I know she is a teenager now, at least I know this logically, but in my heart she is still that cute little girl with her curly pigtails, dressed in pink! But whether I am prepared for it or not, I have a teenage daughter!
She asked me a while ago if she could have a phone. My answer was ‘no’. In my mind I don’t see why she needs it. I drop her at school, I pick her up, and when she is at home she can message her friends on her iPad, because she has internet at home. See there is no logical reason why she would need a phone. When she is at a friends home, their parents have phones she can use to call me, and most of her friend have phones she can borrow to call me on too! But see that is the problem. MOST of her friends have phones. They are not borrowing phones off friends, or their parents, they have their own phone.
When she asked me she was still 12. I explained that it is not just the cost of the phone, it is the ongoing cost of a plan each month. It is easy to get a prepaid phone, or have a cheap plan, but the kids don’t want a phone to call people, they want it for internet use. They use it for social media.
As part of her 13th birthday, my sister took Aspen out shopping, and for hot chocolates. When they got back my sister told me that Aspen was telling her how she feels left out at parties as her friends are all on their phones posting images on Snap Chat and Instagram to each other. She feels like she is looking over their shoulders most of the night. My sister said she wasn’t complaining, or saying I am being unfair, just expressing how she felt. It makes me question myself, “am I making the right decision saying no?”
How did I become the uncool mum? When I was teen I swore I would let my future teen have whatever she wanted. The latest fashion, a subscription to the coolest teen magazine and more. Of course I didn’t think about a mobile phone as they weren’t around when I was a teen. But I would be a cool mum!
Now my teen is one of only a handful of students in her year level that don’t have phones. In fact even children in my ten year old daughters’ class have phones. How did I become the mum stuck in the olden days? And what was I thinking when I was a teen???? I don’t want Aspen even looking at teen magazines that gives advice on how to do your make up, or how to talk to the cute boy you have a crush on, or God forbid doing a survey about if you’re ready to loose your virginity!!! (Yes I did that survey when I was a teen, for the record it did tell me I wasn’t ready).
Talking to a friend who has a 16 year old daughter, even she told me that teens need a phone to fit in! My sister who has two teen boys agrees. So is it just me, should I just stop trying to make my daughter live in the 1990’s? Am I holding her back socially? She has Instagram on her iPad, (which I can access on my phone of course), but I said no to Snap Chat. I figure one social media account is enough at age 13.
Aspen is a very level headed girl. She is considerate, polite, an exceptional student, and opens up to me about lots of things. I trust that she would be as sensible, well as any 13 girl could be. I really feel blessed to have a daughter who has strong values and morals, so am I being unfair? I honestly don’t feel like it is so about trusting her though. It is just that I want her to be a kid! (At least she still loves her teddy bears). And I want her to know delayed gratification too. I feel like as a society we tend to just buy things for our children any time of the year, whereas I remember waiting so desperately for my birthday, or Christmas in order to receive a gift. I do think if she was catching a bus, or walking home I would get her one. I really am unsure about what to do.
I don’t want Aspen to feel left out, so am I being too old fashioned? Is a 13 year old having a phone ok? Am I the only parent holding out, or overthinking this? I would love your opinions. HELP!
Thanks for joining me, love Mackenzie xx
25 comments
Hang in there Mackenzie, don’t give in, wait until she’s at least 15 or 16, at 13 she’s to young. Aspen might not know it now but when she’s a mum she will be making that decision for her own children.
And reliize how right you were.
My son Jasper, all he talks about is he needs a phone at 14. I told him you have to wait until your 16 years old. I told him I was 28 before I got my first phone, his reply was “WHAT THE” (I won’t repeat the rest), and of course what he doesn’t relize is the iPhone’s weren’t around when I was his age.
And of course my 2 younger daughters Beatrice & Charlotte are not yet concerned with phones, well not for the next year or so. Good luck
My eldest was 10 when we got him a phone. He was due to go to High School just after his 11th birthday and he has to get the bus so we thought it was a good time. We started him on a cheap phone. For me it was about knowing he could contact me in an emergency. Now he uses it daily and he’s not 13 yet. I don’t think there are any children in my eldests class that don’t have phones. But saying that I can understand where you’re coming from.
My son was eight(he’s now 11) when he first asked for a phone. I got so sick of say no 100 times a week, that I’ve changed my answer to yes. Yes, he can have a phone, when he can pay for one plus the up keep of it. So at five dollars a month pocket money it’s gonna take a long time. I totally agree with you about the no phone, just because everyone else has one doesn’t mean it’s right.
I’ve told my daughter she can get a phone when she starts secondary school at 11. She’ll almost certainly be getting the bus and if primary school is anything to go by, she’ll have loads of extra curricular activities going on after school too. So for us it’s so she can contact us if she misses a bus and is stranded more than anything.
You have to do what feels right for your family though at the end of the day!
My eldest (almost 11) has one. He uses it mostly to
Play Pokemon and has no
Interest in social media although he does have What’s App. He often apps me when
I’m working to ask/tell things and I like the contact it gives us but I am not faced with the social
Media issues yet. We talk a lot about what’s appropriate to
Do/say online. And he has come to
Me with a couple of chats he was uncomfortable with. I think that communication is absolutely key!
I guess I’m with the notion if you want something then you work for it. My girls are a lot younger at present and I’m taking one stage at a time.
Oh this could me talking. I started out with the same intent – of letting the children be, of being their ‘friend’. Unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. Each generation, it would seem, wants things faster, sooner than we are ready to give them. While we like to hold on to their babyhood they are in a hurry to grow up. It is only natural. Being a mom to tweens I’m with you. Holding ones own against peer pressure is difficult, very difficult for a tween/teen. However that’s something we need to teach our kids. I don’t know what I will do when the time comes, when the kids ask for phones or more, but I will definitely try to hold out as long a possible. I say, you’re the coolest mom for not giving her whatever she wants on a platter. Hugs mac.
I am very much with you on this. You may want to check out my post on ‘Has the Devil Walked Through The Door’. For us, it was a birthday gift this year in advance of walking to school solo for secondary school. We have a list of rules (and a contract) – you see you are not the only one! I have very strict arrangements about devices and social occasions. I also took the step of asking parents if they would mind if the children left their phones behind at my daughters party a few weeks ago. No one did. The evening was a fabulous gathering of young girls having fun. I know it would have been a less social affair had the phones been present. As I say have a read of the post – we are very much not alone – other parents have expressed the same concerns and introduced the same thing in their homes. There will always be debate around this – it’s a balance between free reign and boundaries #tweensteensbeyond
That is GENIUS that you asked parents to keep phones at home! Phones ruin actual social interaction! If we’re not careful, we will have a generation of people who don’t know how to hold an actual conversation! Hats off to you!!
Good on you girl 🙂 my daughter turned 13 on Saturday and has had a phone for about 6 months ( mainly because her older brother has one) BUT she doesn’t have any social media on it or safari. She’s not bothered (yet). I hate snap chat and all that crap, she’s asked for FB but I’ve stuck to my guns so far … it’s not easy though. Keep us informed x
#tweenteenbeyond
My teen has a Samsung phone because she walks too and from school….It has the internet on. It is a decent phone but now it is not good enough. She want’s an iPhone because all her friends have one. So even giving them what they want at first doesn’t please them. #TweensTeensBeyond
My eldest is 6 so (hopefully) I won’t have to deal with this for a while. I get that they feel left out, but its such a shame they have to grow up so quickly! I would try and hold off for as long as possible, and I’d make her contribute in some way to the cost when she does get one so she doesn’t take it for granted. #twinklytuesday
Oh this one’s a toughie and I totally get what you are feeling at this point. But, to be honest, you are right when you say they don’t actually ‘need’ a phone. It’s a ‘want’ at this point. Why don’t you try pointing out the difference between a need and a want and explaining that this is what it is. If you absolutely must, show her some articles on the dangers of social media use and the distractions it offers at a young age. I’ve been very very circumspect with mine. Started her on a Tablet only at age 10 and with limited exposure at home. No phones or other devices. I think that is best.
Oh and the ‘everyone has it’ rule does not cut ice with me. I tell her very clearly that I am responsible for the child I bring up and these are the guidelines we follow in this home.
it’s a really tricky one this, you don’t want your daughter to be left out, but if you get her a phone it could then become a downward spiral of ‘ i need a xxxxx or i’ll be left put’ peer pressure is difficult to combat and almost impossible to fight, but at the end of the day, you’re the parent, the purse holder and if you don’t ant her to have a phone then she just doesn’t have one. It doesn’t make you uncool, I wish more parents would stick to their guns on things like this, then less children would feel left out and then they’re would be less peer pressure. #tweenteensbeyond
Urgh! We are living this too, though our daughter is 9. But loads of kids have phones in her class already and Facetime each other. I know she feels left out but that may be more about the fact that we are not Apple users so don’t have Facetime anyway.
Like you, I am VERY resistant to the notion of the phone. Or maybe I’m not resistant to the phone itself (As if anyone ever uses it to ring people) but rather to the total social isolation that the phone brings to the party (except for Nicky’s parties from Just The Three of Us- she’s a genius!). We’re leaning toward the idea of getting our daughter a Feature Phone when the time is right. That way, she can call or text but won’t be a zombie who rarely surfaces from her screen. I’m sure she’ll hate that!
I’ll be very interested to hear where you go with this! Great post! xx #TweensTeensBeyond
Our youngest probably had her first phone when she was 12, shortly after moving to secondary school, but phones were simpler things only 7 or 8 years ago – just phone, text and music. Not even a camera! If you’re talked into getting one, choose a basic contract which gives limited broadband (it’s what I have even now). That way your daughter has enough to look cool, but has to come to you if she needs a top-up mid-month, so you can keep an eye on how she’s using it. #tweenteensbeyond
I’m afraid I think she should have one! I’m a mum to a nearly-16yo boy, a 13yo boy and an 11yo girl. My younger two bought themselves iPhone 5s last year from Tesco (they had got very cheap!). It’s a great way for them to stay in touch with their friends and, yes, my 13yo is probably on his a bit too much, but I don’t think it’s harmful.
I always said I’d be an ‘in between’ mum, so my kids wouldn’t be the first to have things, but they wouldn’t be the last either. And that’s exactly what I am. I didn’t want them to feel left out. I don’t buy them things though, they buy them themselves or they wait until their birthdays or Christmas. #TweensTeensBeyond
Wow. Tough choice. Makes me happy I’ve only got 1 and 3 year olds rather than those numbers combined! However I can see that today phones are just part of normal life for teens and not the luxury item they were even ten years ago.
Obviously cost and safety are your priorities. I would have thought there must be a cheap plan out there – less than £10 per month. Wont be latest phone but I’d say that its that or nothing.
When she is 16 she can get a part time job and pay for it?!
13 is min age for most social media so I think well done for holding out this long. Set some ground rules (as I am sure you would). She has to let you see what she posting online if you ask to check in. Run through some safety tips and yes she will roll her eyes and say she knows it all but she doesn’t. It’s balancing keeping safe without getting all heavy handed and scary.
Check this great advice out from NSPCC https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-we-do/about-us/partners/nspcc-o2-online-safety-partnership/
And BTW you are not UNCOOL for thinking like this!
#twinklytuesday
My nephew is 14 and had a phone which be is literally glued to. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer here but I think you have to stick with what you believe. Thanks for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday
Oh the phone angst! Both my teens had a phone when they went to secondary school as they were travelling solo and I wanted the peace of mind. They were, however, basic Nokia phones. They both upgraded to a I Phones at 13. It is I have to say another rite of passage. Their schools have discussed social media with them, we have had numerous chats about the risks, good social media practice etc and we follow them both on their social media accounts. Social media is a big part of their world. Facebook is my son’s preference and Instagram and Snapchat is my daughters and to be honest I couldn’t imagine a conversation at the weekend that doesn’t involve an analysis of what everyone has posted! The most important element is to have open communication between you – which you clearly have Mac. Also phones are banned in our house at mealtimes and for an hour before they go to bed and whilst they are sleeping. Ultimately you must do what is right for you as a family though and because you are ready and comfortable for Aspen to have a phone. Good luck. #TweensTeensBeyond
Oh this is a tricky one! I feel the same. But you don’t want her to be excluded. My son who is only 5 has come home knowing far more things than I would like him to just listening to other children whose parents obviously tell them a lot and let them watch things/see things which I feel are too young for them. I guess the thing to think about is are they losing friends over it? Are they unhappy? Because if not then maybe leave it a bit longer. Because I think once you say yes to a phone it opens up a long list of things you can’t really stop them experiencing. I have friends with older girls and there is a lot of bullying and excluding behaviour that happens on group chats on snapchat for example. Girls especially can be cruel. #BlogCrush
This is a tough decision and you can only do what’s right for your family. For me, the transition to high school was the age where I agree to phones because that’s when they were walking alone. However, my youngest daughter is in her last few weeks in primary school and has started walking alone and so she has one now. It’s my husband’s old phone and she’s not getting a new one for a year or so. However, it’s not just about safety. It is about fitting in and feeling part of a peer group and that is very important to teens. My gut feeling would be to let a 13 year old have one, especially if all her friends did but I admire you for sticking to your principals and you know your family and personal situation a lot better than me! I have also said no to Snap Chat because I really don’t know how it works and my 19 and 16 year olds don’t seem to be in a hurry to explain it to me. I wonder why?! Thank you for sharing such an important post with us at #TweensTeensBeyond xx
I’m with you. Mine wants one too, and technically she will get a phone for secondary school but just a text/call only one. I’m also a “boring” mum who isn’t ready for the whole phone thing and wants to hold off for as long as possible. It’s hard, but I remember my own mum being the same about certain things!
You definitely need to do what feels right for you lovely. I don’t want my boys to have phones too young, once they have them unless you put down screen time rules then they’re glued to them all the time..my niece and nephew are both 12 and they would seriously be on their phones all day if they were allowed. I hope you can figure out what to do xx #blogcrush
Every situation is different and moms know best. My kids had their first phones after their elementary graduation. They needed to take the bus and I thought that they would need it so they could contact me in an emergency. With my elder kid, facebook nor twitter was not yet popular. And she’s not the type who can’t live without it. It’s different with my 16-year-old. No, he’s not into social media either but spends a lot of time playing video games in it and chatting with his friends via messenger. You mentioned this, “or God forbid doing a survey about if you’re ready to lose your virginity!!! (Yes I did that survey when I was a teen, for the record it did tell me I wasn’t ready).” You did something in your teens you’re afraid that your teen might do too. How about putting yourself in her shoes? Like what you said, Aspen is a very level headed girl and opens up lots of things. Talk to her, hear her thoughts. Then you decide. Do what feels right for both of you. If you give in, compromise.
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