One thing I have known for some time, yet more recently for me it has become more present in my life, is the realisation of how different and unique our stories are, yet our hearts are so very similar. We all crave the same basic things, acceptance, love, to feel we fit in and we are understood. No one wants to be judged, we are afraid to share our true selves, to bare our souls, we fear rejection, and find comfort and vitality in being understood and accepted for our truth.
I used to fear people knowing me, I honestly believed that if I opened my heart and soul to others they would see my scars and want to run. I have only shared my deepest scars with a small group of people, and that is ok, some of us feel comfortable sharing all of ourselves, others feel comfortable with just a few people knowing our stories. I feel comfortable sharing many things about myself, and being authentic is important to me so that I know I am continuing to live the way I want to live! The scars I do not bare is not because I fear rejection, but more because I am finally seeking some closure and this is a very personal journey.
I can not advise you on what truths you want to share, and what you want to keep close to your chest, but I do want to advise that you don’t hold everything in. For many years I suffered nightmares because of the secrets I kept. I prioritised protecting others over my own sanity. I wanted to spare people the pain and ugliness, but all I did was hurt myself deeply.
I sympathise with the feeling of not wanting to hurt people we love the most, but burying the pain doesn’t work. I truly hope that if you are suffering in anyway that you find someone you can trust to tell your truth too. That may be a friend, a partner, a family member, or a professional. By burying my pain and trying to be strong and cope with everything alone I did a lot of damage to my mental health, and ultimately the loved ones I wanted to keep from being hurt were still affected and felt helpless that I never even allowed them to be there for me in my darkest hours. Yes I survived on my own, and I feel proud of myself for getting through the things I faced, but I ultimately hurt myself more by keeping everything bottled up. I really hope you don’t do the same.
We all bare scars, and I have learned so much lately about how opening up can begin to heal us. We truly are not alone. We have all suffered, we have all been victorious, struggled, cried, had days where getting out of bed was our biggest achievement, and days where even taking a breath has felt too hard. We all all warriors, we have all made wrong decisions and right ones, we’ve cried so hard that we laughed, and we have laughed so hard that we cried. To feel is a gift! Emotions are a gift! Even on the days where we wish we couldn’t feel, every emotion is a blessing, and a voice telling us to carry on, to keep going, to celebrate, and be proud of who we are, and who we will become. We truly are not alone!
If you are a regular visitor to my blog, then you will know that I have been suffering anxiety quite badly lately. The reason I shared this part of me (even though some people advised me not too), was because I am tired of the stigmas attached to mental illness, (which in ‘my opinion’ is not helped by sensationalised media, lack of knowledge, and for some people plain ignorance), and I wanted to share this part of my journey to show anyone who reads this little blog of mine, that having mental illness does not make you a bad person, it does not make you scary, or criminal, or weak. Having mental illness is hard, it is challenging, it is exhausting, it is a rollercoaster of days where I am so tired, anxious and scared, and other days where I am almost what society would label ‘normal’. I am still a fabulous mum (not perfect of course, and have plenty of mummy guilt, but still pretty fab), I am a loving, loyal, funny wife, a caring and quirky friend, and according to some people I know I am even a ‘sweetheart‘. I am still me, just a little more battered and bruised at the moment. Like I said earlier though . . .
we all have our own story . . . our own pain, our own beauty.
Mine is mine, yours is yours, but our hearts still both just want to be accepted, understood and loved.
Whatever journey you are on I wish you well, I hope you can learn to look for the flecks of gold in any darkness you face. Recently I met a beautiful person, a person who is going through a very dark patch, there is so much sadness in her eyes and the way she holds her body, yet every time I was near here I felt nothing but warmth and a kindness coming from her soul. We began to talk each time we would see each other and I realised that had I not been going through my own painful journey I would have never met her. One day I said to her that as painful as my battle with anxiety is I wouldn’t change it, because if I did I would have never have met her, this amazing, intelligent, beautiful soul, and knowing her makes my heart happy. Even in our struggles we are learning, we are growing, this world is our classroom.
We all have our story, we are all on our journey, we just have to remember to open our eyes, and hearts to the lessons life is teaching us, and hopefully find the beauty in those lessons so we can continue to grow.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, Mackenzie xx
If you know anyone who is struggling with their Mental Wellbeing please show them kindness and support. Share this post on Twitter or Facebook, let’s help break the stigma down! There are also many great organisations that can help you with getting support for loved ones, and help you learn how best to support them.
Please never be afraid to seek help, you are not alone!
23 comments
Thank you for reaching out and breaching the wall around the struggle. So many people feel alone in their hardscrabble days of dealing with depression, anxiety, etc.
The church as a community has a long way to go in meeting those in need more than half way and leaving the door wide open.
this is a sincere question – i am wondering if it helps to call anxiety and depression a mental illness? i do understand that these issues are very personal and very debilitating, but i am a bit wary/unhappy about labelling them like this.. i have suffered these things myself so am honestly trying to work out if this is a good thing. cheers sherry
It is what they are, and what they are classified as in the DSM, which ensures that people suffering from them are taken (somewhat) seriously in the medical community and get appropriate treatment under insurance. THIS is a very good thing.
As a general rule, though, we use those words too interchangeably with “sadness” (a normal emotion”) or “worry” (also a normal emotion) or “fear” (you’re seeing a pattern here…) When it becomes a “mental illness” is when it persists for a long time, interferes with the normal day-to-day functioning and enjoyment of life, and rises to the level of an illness. Perhaps this is careless word choice, or rather a matter of degree. Perhaps it’s a good thing to call it “mental illness” when it is one, just for clarity as to where it is on a spectrum of emotional and mental well-being. We might run a fever without needing a doctor, but if the fever shoots up into triple digits and persists, we are ill.
We do tend to overlabel things, but none of the above should carry ANY stigma whatsoever, and that’s the real problem society has, isn’t it? We’re not allowed to feel. We’re not allowed to express the feelings we do feel. And we’re not allowed to be mentally ill – because that makes others feel wary and nervous and avoidant (it’s not catching, and generally mentally ill people aren’t very dangerous to others, so… maybe that wariness, nervousness, and avoidance stems from a disorder, as well?) That’s a bad thing.
Thank you both for your thoughts. Anxiety is a very normal and healthy reaction to certain situations, we need it, but when it crosses from us being anxious about things we should be anxious about, to a point where we become anxious about situations that are actually safe for us (but no longer feel it) we have to look at it as something more serious. As Holly says “When it becomes a “mental illness” is when it persists for a long time, interferes with the normal day-to-day functioning and enjoyment of life, and rises to the level of an illness. ” At this point we need to seek help and yes for insurance purposes it becomes known as a mental illness. I guess for me I no longer feel shame with saying I have a mental illness, but we all feel differently. I know here in Australia it is 1 in 4 people have a diagnosable mental illness, so obviously the degrees of severity range from very mild to obviously quite serious and life threatening. I think we need to phase it how we feel comfortable. Perhaps I was insensitive to this, I am just telling my own experience and everyone has such different experiences and thoughts on this subject. I hope this helps answer your query? I think our stories and experiences are so personal that we need to tell them as we feel comfortable. You don’t have to label yourself in any way! Do and say what feels right for you! Sending you both love, and thank you again for opening up this discussion.
Thanks for your reply. I have always felt like this or so it seems. I thought everyone felt like this. It would be lovely to feel whole.
thanks holly for your considered reply. yes it certainly makes others uncomfortable. other people with the best will in the world sometimes have no idea how you feel. i find it almost impossible to express myself in this regard. life can be damn hard can’t it? cheers sherry
Not easy our vulnerabilities, but we are all vulnerable to some degree. Important to choose our friends wisely, and to be a good friend too #ABloggingGoodTime
I totally agree!
A great read. I’d actually stopped telling people my innermost thoughts because I’d had them used against me too many times. It’s nice to find a community where there is no stigma to sharing #ablogginggoodtime
I am so sorry you had them used against you, that is very cruel and I can imagine hurt very much, sending love
Thank you for sharing such and honest and open post #ablogginggoodtime
VERY WELL SAID!
I also struggled in silence for many years and honestly, it almost killed me several times. The pain that was brewing just beneath the surface took over and I saw no way out. I spent years trying to end it all and not caring. I lived a reckless life, took risks that I shouldn’t have, had 4 major suicide attempts that almost succeeded so I totally relate to everything you have said here.
I actually just opened up in my blog too. I was absolutely scared to death but it turned into a 4 part series that I ended up receiving so much support for.
Thank you for sharing your story and for being so caring in the way that you tell it.
#ablogginggoodtime
I am so grateful for you sharing this with me, and I am so glad you are still here xx
I can relate to this especially if put have been hurt in the past it can be hard to be open and vulnerable with the fear that you may get hurt X #ablogginggoodtime
This is so powerful. Many people don’t want to show their scars because they don’t want to be hurt again and also because it makes them feel less that others. I have found out that by showing my scars, it makes me feel more free. #ABloggingGoodTime
I am glad you are finding freedom in baring your scars and telling your story, I agree with you completely
This was a great read! I’ve gone through most of my periods of depression and anxiety alone, too, so I know how much it can hurt to keep it all bottled up. We really do need to speak to someone about what we are going through, and we need to speak up and share our own stories of walking through the darkness and emerging from it. Even though we’ve come a long way in our understanding of mental health, the stigma that surrounds it persists. We need to break that down. And we can only do that by speaking of our own experiences.
#ablogginggoodtime i think its incredible important that we don’t continue to pick at old scars. fading in our past is often where they sit the best, that said we can reflect on them and see new angles.
I thinking sharing is becoming a more common thing now and also more acceptable which is great #ablogginggoodtime
love this. I’ve been talking and thinking a lot lately about how we all have our demons hidden away in our closets and how hard it is for anybody to really know each other. Sometimes the only way to escape them is to set them free #blogginggoodtime
really appreciate this comment, I totally agree!
I agree that we should be in contact with our feelings and that we can’t keep everything in. I’m struggling with my health condition but trying to be the best mum and wife I can be. I don’t agree with feeling things and carrying on it could well be a sign that things need to change. It’s great that mental health is being talked about but agree that stereotyping it as a bad thing is not right. #AbloggingGoodTime
That was so inspiring Mac! We do each have own truths to tell and they are similar but also very different. We all have our own pain and deal with that pain in our own way. And I agree that lately the news has been staggering with horrible things being said on various fronts. This makes a lot of people unable to come forward with their own stories and it makes me sad and also frustrated. Thanks so much for sharing your story Mac! Sorry for the lateness on this #ABloggingGoodTime
Comments are closed.