“Friendship … is born at the moment when one person says to another “What! You too? I thought I was the only one” C.S. Lewis
I got to talking to my daughter about friendship the other night, actually it is a topic that we regularly have discussions about because it is something that baffles her. This word “friendship” and what it really means. Do you ever just stop and think about what friendship means? What makes a true friend? What makes a friend worth of being considered a “friend”?
It’s a choice we make all the time, we decide to call many people our friend. Some people pass through our lives and manage to stay an acquaintance, but others cross over the threshold from acquaintance to friend. Friends are awesome, having a good friend, someone you can laugh with, cry with, be nuts with, and rely on is just really a great feeling!
There is for me many levels of friendship, ranging from someone I love chatting with, to someone I trust enough to bare the depths of my soul to.
My daughter has an awesome best friend, she is a beautiful girl, she is loads of fun, shares similar interests, and is super generous with her love for my daughter. It’s a mutual thing, they share a kindness and a love that is just so beautiful to see. They have been in the same class since they started school.
A & A at Aspen’s ballet party when she turned 6.
Next year they will go to high school together. They have had little tiffs and small misunderstandings, but they have never gone out of their way to be mean to one another. They have a deep affection, protectiveness and respect for each other that keeps their bond strong. For me it has also been great because I love this girl’s family too, so it makes it easy to let her spend weekends with her best friend and know my daughter is like part of their family.
Unfortunately being a 12 year old girl is not always so easy though. Over her years at school there has been some ups and downs with friendships and for the most part Aspen has avoided drama, but she does get very upset when she sees girls being mean to other girls. Last week someone she considers a good friend told her best friend that she hates her. Aspen was devastated for her friend and very confused about why this girl was being so mean. Aspen just told me that she heard from another friend that this same girl has been telling people she doesn’t like Aspen now either. Aspen was so upset, she went to school today with a sore tummy and feeling ill. She is so confused as to why this girl, a girl who is meant to be a really close friend would suddenly say that. To be honest it confuses me too. She came home today though saying how great a day she had with this girl and all is happy again.
It is easy to say “oh they are just kids”, or “that’s girls for you”. It’s easy to shrug it off like it doesn’t matter. I get it, they are just kids with lots to learn. Their bodies are changing, they are confused and young and they are discovering where they fit into the world. I say these things to Aspen, I tell her not to worry. But it is hard to explain why girls are mean to each other, because why are we? Even grown women are mean to each other! Not all thank goodness! I think jealously plays a big part in why women and girls are mean, but still it is so hard to explain to my daughter that people can be mean for seemingly no other reason than, well because they just feel like it. I am also not naive enough to think that Aspen won’t at some point hurt someones feelings too.
Any advice for me here? What do I tell my daughter? I know these are life lessons and she will have to deal with people being mean and that not everyone will like her and that’s OK she will survive that, we can’t please everyone after all. I can not protect her from these hurts and I can not solve all her problems. But what advice can I give her to help guide her through? How do I help her become emotionally strong? I would love any advice!
Thanks for joining me, love Mac xx
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21 comments
Hi, I actually think it would be a good idea to speak to her class teacher about some whole class pshe time on friendships, what it means to be a good friend, how you can be a good friend and what to do if someone hurts your feelings. In Reception class I used to have a talking station (this was later introduced higher up the school) where the children would go to sort out any problems. They would take it in turns to speak, talking about what happened and how they feel. As an adult I would only intervene to remind about turn taking or to ask the question “how do we solve the problem” – the ability to think about what they should do is put on the children, because otherwise they will never learn. It’s hard as an adult (or a parent) to take that step back and not sort issues out for them though!
I realise at home it is trickier as you o it get to speak to one person and one side of the story. I’d just encourage your daughter to talk about what happened, talk about her feelings and ask her what she thinks she could do to make it better. Make some suggestions if you have God ideas, but help her to be independent X #twinklytuesday
Thanks for the advice, I agree about stepping back and letting them learn how to handle things. As a parent our reaction is to try to fix things, but I want her to learn to stand on her own too.
Oh I really feel for you – being a mummy is the hardest job isn’t it? I’ve been through this kind of conversation lots with my girls, sadly and I always try to be empathic spot that they know I understand how hard it must be for them – I certainly don’t just say ‘oh that’s girls’ but i also give them examples from when I was little and also from when I’ve been an adult – I thunk it helps for them to know that mummy has been through the same and as they don’t think mummy is horrible then the other person must be on the wrong – does that make sense? Hope that helps lovely – gorgeous photos!#TwinklyTuesday
thank you for your advice, it is so hard isn’t it!
Urgh. Teenage girls are the worst! I have no advice, just to love and support your daughter and try to let her sort out her own battles. xxx #TeamIBOT
Actually that is great advice, thanks xx
I think this is such a tough one and I had the exact conversation with my hubby about my daughter. It’s going to be awful seeing her upset due to other people. I think all you can do is be honest. Explain sometimes people are mean. They don’t always mean it and the best thing is for Aspen to be aware of this but always be kind herself. It’s just so hard!! xx #twinklytuesday
It sounds like engineered gossip at best based on a misunderstanding or at worst a deliberate attempt to wreck things.
Gossip reflects more on the person gossiping than the subject. It may be that it’s a matter of bypassing the gossip and finding out where she stands directly.
#StayClassy
so true, gossip can just be nasty and get things wrong, great point!
I was given some advice by a friend recently who has an older daughter than me and she told me to build my daughter up and help her come up with strategies for handling the nasty comments. Its good that your daughter talks to you so you can talk it out. Good luck, I think I have a lot more of this to come! #stay classy
yes unfortunately I know it will be the beginning, with high school next year it worries me, I hope she is strong enough and sticks with great friends xx
I think you already said it all in the blog. I talk to my boys about friendship all the time and explain that sometimes people say mean things or break their stuff because they are upset, tired or just jealous and they don’t know how to express their feelings in any other way. xxx #StayClassy
yes it is so true, I think you are so right about being tired too, I know when Aspen gets tired everything is 10 times worse
This is a tough one. I don’t really know what the best thing to do here as I’m still very new to parenting, but I do know that my Mom was very honest and open with me and this really helped me through hard times at school. I think because I felt like I was able to talk to her about anything I was able to resolve more conflicts, as in, I would be able to get all of my feelings out on the table. It sounds like Aspen has a really good friend and an amazing mother, so she has a good base to stand on when these sort of issues arise! Thanks so much for sharing with #StayClassy!
That’s so wonderful that your daughter has such a wonderful best friend. It’s great that you know the family too – that makes a huge difference. 12 is the start of a few difficult years. I remember how tough it can be. I don’t know what we can say to help them, it’s hard to understand why people say mean things. I say not to take any heed of it but I think you don’t truly understand it until you are on the other side of the nonsense. Thanks for sharing with #candidcuddles x
its great that your daughter has such a fantastic best friend. Girls at that age can start getting mean to one another. I know from when i was that age I was always getting picked on just because I’m a redhead and no one else had the same colour hair as me. Its hard to give advice as each situation is different. I hope it all works out fine for you.
Thanks for sharing with #stayclassy
Speaking to the class teacher about some friendship ‘lessons’ is a great idea. We’re not there yet so I’m dreading this! #twinklytuesday
Oh it’s so hard isn’t it? I’ve got a girl about this age and there is often something going on. I just keep reminding myself that it’s through this that they build resilience. That’s the only silver lining.
I don’t know the best advice really. This sort of thing always bothered me as a child too, & still does now. I tended to always avoid all the drama, and I stuck to a small number of close friends, and was often quite distant and closed as I just don’t like dealing with it all. #twinklytuesday
My daughter (who is 10) has been to see the school councillor, to speak about friendship fallouts before. This really seemed to make her feel better, because at this age they seem to fall out a lot about little things. Sarah #FabFridayPost
I not too sure either… My daughter is not in her teenage years yet and I really won’t know how to deal with the situation when faced. I think you did very well at keeping her confidence high. Does she keep a daily? Perhaps, jotting her feelings down will help her release some weight out and perhaps it can be in itself a therapeutic thing to do. By jotting things down I think will help her see things in different perspective and may help her solve the problem too. But what do I know… Big hugs Mac, always thinking of you. xx
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