I am not sure I should be writing this right now. Emotions have run away with me tonight, and I feel the need to write, yet I feel if I do I will . . . . . . What am I afraid of, that I’ll be too honest? That I will cry? That I will share feelings and thoughts that I prefer to keep below the surface? Isn’t my blog my space to be honest? I open up about so much on these pages, funny in a way as it is like keeping a diary of private thoughts, but then allowing anyone the key to unlock it.
I had a fabulous day, really I did, in fact it has been an amazing week, if you missed it, it was my birthday, you may have seen some pics on Instagram or seen Facebook messages already. I will share a Vlog with you tomorrow of some filming I did whilst in Melbourne for my birthday. Anyway today I met up with a couple of my very best friends that I met back in school. We had champagne and a gorgeous lunch and all had loads to catch up on. Back in school there was always the 5 of us, and even after graduating we still had an amazing bond. Mel and I moved together to the coast to go to Uni although we studied different degrees. Tam went to a different University, and Peta and Bec started their careers. Our lives began to take different directions, but our connection to one another never wavered. That connection was ingrained in us.
I married at 24 and later Tam married and then Mel, Peta and Bec remained party girls. I was the first to start a family, Mel moved around a lot with her husband in the army. Peta travelled a lot, Tam had a baby and Bec set herself up by buying her first home. But still we continued to have each other.
7 years ago I was pregnant with Adam, and Mel was pregnant with her son. 7 years ago (just a few days from now) Bec passed away. Our 5 became 4.
We stood and watched them lower her coffin into the cold earth on a rainy winters day. Everyone tossed white roses upon her coffin, us 4 tossed yellow roses as a symbol of friendship. Memories of her was all we were left with, her smile, and oh my gosh her laughter, imagine your funniest most vibrant friend and you can imagine our Rebecca. Memories of endless sleepovers through school years, hours upon hours talking about boys, beach holidays when I first got my drivers license, going out to see bands and dancing all night. She was like part of my family too, with a tough home life she would come away with us on our family trips and stay for days on end sharing my room. She was vibrant, she was truly a beautiful soul.
Over the past 7 years we have gotten together and there is always a void so big that it can not be ignored. Often Mel can’t join us, like today because she lives so far away (but she is coming to celebrate with me in a couple of weeks), but today as I sat at the restaurant with Tam and Peta I couldn’t stop thinking about how Bec should be there. I made a toast to my friends, I mean look how far we have come, from those little school girls who said they’d be best friends forever and here we are all these years later and we are still best friends. But Bec should be there to, she was supposed to be growing old with us!!!! And it just feels so unfair!
I know people die, I know it, but I hate it. After Tam had to leave, Peta and I sat by the river drinking coffee and we got talking about Bec, Peta knew Bec even before I did, they grew up as neighbours. Peta was also the one who called me to say get to the hospital before it’s too late.
We always come back to talking about Bec, how could we not, she was everything to us. Some days I can talk about her and I am OK, other times out of no where I start crying and I can’t even explain why. And then there are the big moments in our lives where she should be there. When Adam was born just over 2 months after she passed away I felt angry that she wasn’t there. She would never know I had a son, she would never see him, or know his name, and he would never hear her contagious laugh or feel the warmth of her embrace.
There has been so many moments that she should have been there for. I hate that she is not here, I hate that she has missed so much, I hate that we all miss having her share in our moments and I hate even more that she will never create new moments in her life that we can share with her, because her life ended years ago, her life ended way too soon. 32 is too young to die.
Today was a great day, I love seeing my friends, I am so blessed to have amazing friends, and I was so blessed to have grown up with Bec, to have had her in my life. But sitting there with a spare chair at out table just felt wrong.
That is the thing when you love people and you loose them, their presence is always missed, and some moments it is felt more than others. Some times that heartbreak sneaks up on you and almost steals your breath. The tears sting your eyes as you try so desperately to stop their flow, some people are just impossible to forget and the truth is I would never want to forget. But sometimes I wish it didn’t hurt so dam much!
I miss my friend.
Thank you for joining me, love Mackenzie xx
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58 comments
Your post is a lovely ode to a friend never forgotten. Xxx
thank you lovely xx
Heartwarming. It is life’s purest lesson, we have to choose to carry on or give up after after a piece of our soul is snatched away. However, I believe if we manage to carry on we become a bigger person for it, we have learnt. Though the pain never goes, the unbearable clutch death will never go, but we are here despite that, we carry on. How strong we are xxxx #MG
We do have to keep going and being pregnant at the time was a sign of that, how life ends and life begins.
Sad, but beautifully expressed. I think that as long as you keep remembering someone, they haven’t truly gone. #KCACOLS
Thank you xx
I’m so sorry for your loss.. what heartbreak losing your friend (at such a young age too) remembering her the way you have in this post is both sad and wonderful… sad she is no longer her, wonderful that you remember her so beautifully too. She will always be a part of your life and she will forever be the one fifth of a wonderful friendship. #mg
she will, we are all forever changed by loving her, she will always be part of us, thank you xx
Aw Mac I’m so sorry to hear you lost such a close friend. I can imagine how hard and unfair it must seem for you all to carry on without her. Sending love and hugs xxx
Thank you honey, some times it just really hits hard.
Mac, my heart goes out to you. Losing a friend leaves a huge void. I’ve lost five to death and nothing can ever make it alright, definitely not words. Hugs! I know how you feel. Love you!
Thank you so much beautiful, sending you hugs too xx
I started crying right away when I read this. I have lost friends and this month was the birthday of one of them. He would have been 33 this year. He died when he was 27, hit by a car. I still think about him all the time and sometimes out of nowhere I will start crying. This was a very moving post Mac! Thank you for sharing it with us! #mg
I am so sorry for your pain Michelle, I know what you mean sometimes I just feel it so deeply that it physically hurts. 27 is so young, just seems so unfair xx
What a beautiful post and so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. It was so honestly written and I can totally sympathise. Thanks for hosting as always #mg
Thank you so much xx
I am sure your friend would have loved reading this post. Of course, the pain never goes, even 7 years later. But she is still in your heart. I hope you still had a fab birthday. Thinking o you #mg
Thank you honey. Yes most days I am fine and happy and then other times it just hits me how much I miss her. I did have a fab birthday though, truly felt so loved and happy xx
Losing a friend is really hard and one from your childhood even more so. You take care.
Thank you, it is hard xx
Life is so hard, and there are no guarantees. We have to live each day as if it were our last. Savor the present and live out load every moment. So much I would do over, with the wisdom of age. I am so sorry about your friend. And it sounds as though she was a wonderful person to have in the world. #mg
she really was, thank you x
Loss is never easy; loss of someone special, a soul mate of sorts, is even harder. Your friend may not be here physically any longer, but she’s always with you. May your hurt ease with time and may your heart always be full of fond memories of your friend.
Thank you, it is funny you say that as I always feel like when we get together as a group that she is there, we will always have amazing memories xx
PS Thanks for the shout out!
pleasure xx
I’m so sorry that you lost your friend at such a young age. I too have a close group of friends that I’ve known from school and I can only imagine how painful it must be to see that empty chair. I’m sure Bec would be so proud to know that you still have each other, and that she is still and always will be in your thoughts. Love and hugs xx Thank you for hosting #mg
thank you so much honey xx
Awww Mac! I lost a cousin when I was a teenager and she was 23 to leukaemia, I think I have never really gotten over it either. Even now when things happen I am so sad and angry that she isn’t here to see it. We all still miss her so much. When her mum died earlier this year, I chose to believe in heaven and hope they are re-united now forever. I feel your pain lovely and I totally understand the void. Take care – sending you love and a big hug xxxx Thank you for hosting xx
oh so sorry for your losses too, I hope there is a Heaven and we will all be together having laughs again xx
A really moving post. It really hit a nerve because my Mum died 7 months before my daughter died and she didn’t even know she was going to be a Grandma. Life is both cruel and kind in equal measure. So many people think that a child can help heal your heart. But whilst they fill a large previously unknown part of it, all they can do is distract from the void you feel from the loss.
Thank you for sharing your feelings. You’ve summed up so well how I think a lot of us feel when having experienced such a significant loss.
That must have been so hard for you, I am so sorry for what you have been through. Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing my post too, sending love xx
Ah such a moving post – you got me going there. So heartfelt and I know exactly how you feel. It doesn’t really get easier, because there is always that void and you just keep thinking, why? I hope you found some catharsis writing it all down. Alison x #mg
Beautiful tribute to your friend, and what a special bond you five sound like you have. She’s still there, each time you smile about something she did, talk about her or her honor her memory. A reminder that this life is short.
That’s so terribly sad Mackenzie. I think it’s one of those things that you will never forget. Sarah #mg
I grew up with 3 other school friends and, now 40, we still all keep in touch and get together a few times a year despite all living across Europe. We were nicknamed ‘the four lovely girls’ by my best friend’s mum and it stuck. I can’t imagine how it would be if one of us died. Such a big, irreplaceable hole. I feel for your loss and am pleased you still get together with your other besties and her presence is as strong as her absence is painful. Xx
so sorry for your loss. I lost one of my best friends from growing up, and feel the same way when we all get together. There is a piece that’s missing. There is a new country song called “You should be here” that really hits me hard when it comes on #mg
I’m the same some days I can talk about my friend and be fine, some days I see someone who looks like her and be in bits. She died at 19 and it’s left a hole. #kcacols
Oh gosh, that must be hard. So many fond memories for you to cherish though. A lovely post to write. sending hugs #mg
Sad but writing about her is a lovely way to remember the lovely memories you’ve spent together. Me and my school friends are the same, I may not communicate with them constantly but when we’re together, its as if we have not been apart. #mg
it is isn’t it, so great how you can instantly re-connect with old friends
Hugs, Mac! Losing is a friend is hard to cope with. That too the one with we shared a deep connection with is harder. I have lost 3 friends of mine. Never easy even though they weren’t such a big part in my life. I hope sharing this voidness of yours helped you in some way, Mac.
thank you beautiful for such kind words, I am so sorry for your losses too x
I hear you so loud and clear. Reading your post made me feel a little sick as this is one aspect I have panic attacks over. Someone close to me passed away recently and I will treasure the memories I have of them. I hope that his wife came for him at the end. #mg
I’m so sorry honey, sending hugs your way x
Oh Mac, this made my heart hurt, I am so sorry for the loss of your lovely friend. I too lost my best friend, six years ago now, and it never gets easier does it? Through my pregnancies with the youngest three I hated that I couldn’t share that with her, that she has never met them and that they have missed out on her, a friend who would have doted on them, been the fun “Aunt” they loved and adored. Life can be so cruel and yet we have to keep them alive through the years, talk about them, say their name, include them in our daily lives and in that way, they are never truly gone. Much love. #mg
I’m so sorry that you have felt this loss too. Sending love your way beautiful xx
An awful tragedy when you lose someone so close to you. I’m sorry you’ve all had to go through a loss but memories will be your warmest hug. Life is so unfair sometimes and take those that aren’t ready to go yet. I’m sure she’s still with you in spirit, although it’s not the same. And she will forever know how much she meant to you all. I hope you and your friends continue your lovely friendship, it is a wonderful thing x
it truly is a blessing to have amazing friends xx
I lost my friend too, she was 38. She was meant to be here too and I have a son she hasn’t met too. Thanks for sharing xxx #KCACOLS
I am so sorry xx
So sorry to read that you lost your friend when she was still so young and to be creating new memories that she is not here to share in must be so very hard. How lovely to have that group of friends to grow up together with and share such amazing memories even though there will forever be one who is so very missed by you all x
What a lovely but sad post. So lovely that you have such a close group of longstanding friends who all have each other in good times and bad. So sad for the loss of your friend taken way too soon. She is there with you at all of your get-togethers, even though you can’t see her xxxx Thank you so much for sharing. Take Care xxx Kathy
I’m sorry. Anniversaries throw it all into such stark relief. I hope that there is some bittersweetness amongst the pain as you share memories and stories to keep your friend close even if she can’t join you at the table.
#mg
I read this with a lump in my throat. I am so sorry for your loss and I know what that void is like. Thank you for being brave and sharing your thoughts with us and your dear friend #KCACOLS
So happy you had a good birthday despite your friend not being there x #KCACOLS
Happy Birthday lovely! I’m so sorry for your loss. It is really sad when you lose a friend. I lost a very good friend when I was 20 something and I was devastated so I understand the feeling. I don’t think that feeling never goes away. We always remember her when I meet my school friends again. I miss her a lot too. Sending you hugs! Thanks so much for sharing this story with us at #KCACOLS. It is lovely to have you.
Happy belated birthday! Unfortunately, loss never gets easier. *hugs
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